Doing Cocaine Off The Living Room Table!

*Possible trigger warning: this post contains some references to drug-use and rape*

Many of my relationships in my teenage years were formed over the internet. I was enrolled in an all-girls school and had no real interest in going to clubs or pubs with my female friends, where they professed to meet their boyfriends or one-night stands, and so contact with men offline was rare. Through the social networking site of it's time, Myspace, I met Lee*, Steve* (my first, serious boyfriend), Richard* and Stephen* (a psychology student who taught me to play poker). Through Gumtree I found James* and Ken*. 

My first experience with meeting a boy offline was shortly after the break-up with Steve. At that time my mother had hired two girls to come in and walk our dogs every evening, as she worked long hours and was often too tired. One day, these two girls bought a boy with them. As usual, I was sitting on the stairs in my faded and worn jogging bottoms and a top that barely zipped up over my rapidly growing bust. Appropriately attired, in my eyes, to see two girls I had no interest in befriending, but not a good-looking boy!

I hid in the shadows of the hallway and hoped, even when he smiled at me, that he couldn't really see me well enough. He didn't come the next time with the girls and I pretty much forgot all about him. We went away for a weekend, my mum and I, to a family event and asked the girls to feed the dogs and walk them whilst we were gone. Saturday night I had a phone call from my best friend at the time, Natasha*. She told me a boy had called her from my home phone, where her number was stored, and asked for my number. Wisely, she'd refused but took his mobile number and offered it to me. I knew who it was and, flattered by his interest in me, jotted his number down and shot him a text that same evening. 

Hot Boy, whose name I no longer remember or care to remember, and I messaged back and forth a few times over the course of the weekend before he invited me to his house, just around the corner from mine as it happened, to watch a movie. Choosing one of my favorite scary movies and dressing up a little, I told my mother I was going to my friend Nicole's* house, also not far from mine, and I'd be back later. I followed the directions given and was soon outside Hot Boy's building, where he stood waiting for me and smiling widely. 

As we entered the small flat, he quickly introduced me to his two, gay flat-mates who were doing cocaine off the living room table. That should have been my first red flag to get out, but I just smiled and followed him through to his bedroom; slightly in awe of his lifestyle. There we settled on his bed and he stuck the DVD in but quickly jumped up to get us both drinks from the kitchen. I waited patiently in his room, one eye on the film, the other looking around at the inside of Hot Boy's room. It was very bare with no real personal touches or items left anywhere. And then he was back, and handing me a tall glass of coke. I took a few swigs and carefully set it down on his chest of drawers. 

As we continued to lie there, side-by side, watching the movie, I began to feel dizzy, vague and disconnected from myself. The only way I can describe it, even now, is to say it felt like I was outside of myself watching what was happening. And as his hands moved to undress me I tried to scream, but no sound would come out...

*names changed for privacy